We toss the word relax around like it’s simple—like it’s as easy as putting your feet up and taking a deep breath. But in my work as a family therapist, I’ve noticed something surprising: many people don’t know how to relax.

Sure, they know how to distract themselves, zone out, or keep busy to avoid stress—but that’s not the same as truly letting your body and mind rest.

The Myth of Relaxation

When I ask clients, “What do you do to relax?” the answers are often things like:

• “Scroll on my phone.”

• “Watch Netflix.”

• “Catch up on laundry or errands.”

• “Have a glass of wine.”

While none of these are inherently bad, they aren’t always restorative. You might feel momentarily entertained or distracted, but your nervous system is still humming, your mind still racing.

Relaxation is not just the absence of work—it’s a state where your body, mind, and emotions shift out of “go mode” and into a place of restoration.

Why We Struggle to Relax

For many, slowing down feels uncomfortable. It’s almost as if stillness sends a signal to the brain: You should be doing something.

There are a few reasons this happens:

1. Cultural Conditioning – We live in a society that celebrates productivity and constant motion. Rest can feel like laziness.

2. Anxiety and Hypervigilance – When your mind is used to scanning for problems, true stillness can feel unsafe.

3. Guilt – Parents, caregivers, and overachievers often feel they have to “earn” rest.

4. Lack of Practice – Like any skill, relaxation gets easier with intentional, repeated effort.

Signs You Might Not Be Truly Relaxing

• You feel tense even during “downtime.”

• You multitask during rest—watching TV while checking emails, for example.

• You feel restless or irritable when things slow down.

• You go to bed tired but wake up just as drained.

If this sounds familiar, it might be time to retrain your mind and body to enter a deeper state of rest.

Relearning the Art of Relaxation

Think of relaxation as a muscle you can strengthen. Here are a few ways to start:

1. Create a Ritual – Choose a consistent time and place for rest. This signals to your body that it’s safe to power down.

2. Engage Your Senses – Soft lighting, a warm cup of tea, calming music, or a cozy blanket can cue your nervous system to settle.

3. Try Mindful Breathing – Even five minutes of slow, intentional breaths can shift your body into a more relaxed state.

4. Be Fully Present – If you’re reading a book, just read. If you’re in the bath, just soak. Resist the urge to multitask.

5. Release the Guilt – Remind yourself that rest isn’t indulgent—it’s essential for mental and emotional health.