Recently, I received a letter in the mail from a past client who is currently incarcerated.

This client is someone that I strongly feel, and assessments have proven, does not need to be there. However, due to sentencing guidelines, they are. As grateful as I am that they were thinking of me, I am also saddened I must read an update from them from a correctional institution. I saw them for over a year before they were sentenced. This person was a good human the day I met them, but I had never seen in over twenty years of counseling experience someone working so hard in treatment to figure themselves out. Yes, if you are wondering, they had taken full ownership of their crime before they even began therapy.

One of my favorite quotes I first saw tweeted years ago was from Dr. Robert Weiss, who shared, “Addiction is the only prison where the locks are on the inside.”

This person who wrote the letter had no substance abuse issues, but if we were to substitute the word love for addiction… “Love is a prison where the locks are on the inside” may fit many. You can freely give and receive love when you understand and accept yourself entirely from your core. You hold the keys to your life.

Find your Keys; you have them.

In their letter, they included a verse that the Disciple Paul wrote in prison.

“I know what it is to be in need and what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:12-13.

My client also quoted 2 Corinthians 4: 8-10 in the letter.

“We are pressed on every side by troubles but not crushed. We are perplexed but not driven to despair. We are hunted down but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.”

I cherish this letter and their words so much.

Recently, I read My Dungeon Shook: A Letter to My Nephew by James Baldwin. It starts,

“Dear James: I have begun this letter five times and torn it up five times. I keep seeing your face, which is also the face of your father and my brother. Like him, you are tough, dark, vulnerable, and moody—with a very definite tendency to sound truculent because you want no one to think you are soft. You may be like your grandfather in this, I don’t know, but certainly both you and your father resemble him very much physically. Well, he is dead; he never saw you, and he had a terrible life; he was defeated long before he died because, at the bottom of his heart, he believed what white people said about him. This is one of the reasons that he became so holy.”

A lot of Baldwin’s work centered around race and religion. Baldwin’s letter to James in the book is brilliant, with many different perspectives and lessons. But, in this case, it points out how too often we give others our keys to how we are viewed. Instead of understanding, we can own and become responsible for our views.

 During my two decades of work, I have seen how self-worth (the core belief about oneself) correlates with success and growth. Individuals who do not let worldly labels, self-imposed labels, or convictions define them take more healthy risks in life. Other individuals choose to settle and stay small, feeling that the world treats them as less than.

My husband and I celebrated his birthday in Charleston, South Carolina. In Loved Just as I Am, I write about our difficulties with self-forgiveness. We discussed those as he drove, and I took notes. We agreed that the poor decisions we made in life were more challenging to forgive for both of us than the harm that people did to us that we had no choice in. He said in the past, he had felt like a worthless, horrible human being.

I get it and once felt that myself. I have also heard those feelings from many others over the years.

We agreed that when the choices and individuals go against who we want to be and who we say we are, it’s more challenging to forgive ourselves.

Five Keys to Forgiveness of Self

Self-Awareness– Understand what you did and why you did it. What emotional needs are you attempting to meet? Examination of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Self-Acceptance-Stop wishing your past was any different. Pain can keep you immobilized and stuck.  A life-changing quote that has always stuck with me I saw Oprah, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”  You have some control over the decisions you make regarding your future. You can help write the ending of your own story. Make it interesting.

Self-Trust-You may have many reasons not to trust others in life, but you can learn to trust yourself. Self-discipline is learned. Start showing up for you. Learn to speak up and stand up for yourself because your thoughts and opinions matter, especially when you have no one. Join groups or organizations of interest and serve.

Self-Compassion– make sure you give yourself the same encouragement and advice as someone you dearly love. Often, when people are honest within themselves and examine their inner critic, they spew self-abusive thoughts. Self-hate, anger, and unforgiveness change your heart and mind. It’s toxic and changes who you are.

Self-Respect– Love yourself enough to disconnect from people, places, and physically, emotionally, or spiritually harmful things. When situations and relationships are unhealthy for you, “not belonging” can be a good thing. Plug yourself into places where you do feel seen and heard. Don’t repeat poor decisions learned from past experiences.

Leaving breakfast one morning in Charleston and using the GPS walk map on the phone had my husband and I unknowingly going in the wrong direction. We walked and walked and walked. My husband mentioned we had already taken 10,000 steps. I looked up and saw a place on King Street called The Belmont, the name of the town in North Carolina where we live, and I wrote about it in my book.

The Belmont building is teal like my Zeta Tau Alpha colors in college, and beside it is The Darling. It was one of my favorite moments from the short trip. God reminded me of what I am eager for everyone to know and truly believe at their core:

“You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” Song of Solomon 4:7

We also visited the International African American Museum, The Boone Hall Plantation, and the Charleston Museum, the first museum in America. A lot was learned. I don’t know that we will ever understand why some get more trauma than others, but I do have hope that America can become what it says it is.