(Guest Post by Makensie Mauney-McDaniel)

I am the biracial daughter of two amazing parents. My mom is from Belmont, North Carolina; my dad is from Georgia. My dad is also a huge Atlanta Falcons fan. I did not grow up around my Black family because of sexual and physical abuse. Thankfully, my parents stopped the cycle. I was raised around my predominantly white family in NC.  

     My childhood was beautiful, and I was very fortunate to have both my mom and dad in my life as their only child. I still live in Belmont with my husband and our beautiful baby boy. I visit my parents often and love soaking up their home’s familiarity and happy memories. My original Dream Board is still displayed in my childhood room, and I still look at it often, even though I am an adult. My mom introduced me to the idea of a Dream Board early in my life because she knew it would empower and motivate me. 

     To help me see it, speak it, and go for it.

 

 

     Even though I am not close to my Georgia family, I remember going to Atlanta for the first time. I was seven years old and had just bought a Michael Vick jersey. I remember taking everything, the sights, sounds, and the people, as we returned to the CNN hotel. My favorite Falcons season kickoff video is the 2019 story with Deion Sanders in Atlanta, which sums up my impression of Atlanta as a child. It was more than the home of my favorite football team; it was the city I had fallen in love with. It was a city where African Americans thrived as doctors, lawyers, and prominent figures played a massive role in the civil rights movement. The culture you felt walking around the city, especially during a game, was indescribable. For someone who wanted their Black family, I held on to the idea that it was home for me. I also knew early on that I wanted to be an Atlanta Falcons cheerleader. 

     Fast forward to 2016. This year was pivotal for me, especially after years of advocating and pageantry. It was then that I decided I wanted to go to law school. Before leaving home for college, I pulled colorful images for my Dream Board that depicted everything I wanted to achieve. Law school, travel, and the Atlanta Falcons were all on it. My college sophomore apartment in East Carolina had the skyline of Atlanta, and my bathroom was a peach theme for a Georgia peach. To me, it was my little slice of Georgia pride. I graduated in three years as a double major and full-time student-athlete to accelerate my dreams, attend law school, and try out for the Atlanta Falcons. I was 20 years old. 

     I was the second person to receive a finalist ticket for the Atlanta Falcons Cheerleaders tryouts, and I was thrilled! It was one of my best experiences, but ultimately, I didn’t make it onto the squad. I was devastated. Determined to keep pushing towards my goals, I returned home and started law school. It didn’t take long to discover my chosen career path was not meant for me. I would stay up all night studying, hiding in the library, skipping class, and withdrawing from friends. Back then, I would have told you I had never experienced anxiety. But I think I have just been masking it by always setting and achieving a new goal or multiple. Like my mom, I’m driven and determined, and when my self-confidence and spirit get knocked down, I get right back up and try again.

      I have always been very successful, but I’ve also failed. I didn’t win every dance competition; I got second runner-up at my high school pageant and 1st runner-up at North Carolina Teen, USA. I think it’s good to acknowledge and embrace your mistakes because it helps with self-reflection and growth. But admitting that law school was not for me was hard to swallow. I was so confused about why I couldn’t recover from that disappointment. It had me at a standstill. I remember it was Christmas break, and I was so scared to tell my mom that I did not want to return to law school. But when I finally got the nerve to tell her, she was so supportive. Even with my parent’s blessing, it took me weeks to email the Dean and officially drop out. 

     But then, my exams were returned. It must have been by the grace of God, but my exam grades almost made me reconsider and stay in law school. However, I could not shake the uneasy feeling plaguing me. After much thought and reflection, I decided to study to become a licensed therapist like my mom. When I told her, she got really quiet and teary-eyed. She knew I always wanted a job that would foster changes for social justice issues and where I could advocate for others like she had been doing for over 19 years as a clinical mental health therapist. So, I enrolled and dove into my new career path with confidence.

      During this time, I met my husband. A year later, while I was attending school for my master’s, he proposed, and we got married that May. By July, I was pregnant. That year was a whirlwind of wedding plans, studying, and figuring out life together as soon-to-be parents. That second year of my master’s was hard. I was working full-time and doing an internship, all while being pregnant. I had gained over fifty pounds, and my hormonal acne flared up because I wasn’t on birth control. I had never felt so low in my life. 

     Then came time to push out the baby. I remember the nurse telling me to breathe deeply and trying to do other mindfulness exercises. I remember thinking, “Shut up.” As someone in the mental health field, yes, mindfulness is beneficial, but I felt like my pain was not being acknowledged or my emotions of being scared. I felt gaslighted, but guess what? I did it. I pushed out a beautiful baby boy. 

     The beauty of a mystery is when the unraveling of the truth comes. I hurt so bad because I didn’t make the Falcons, and I believe that rejection was a huge part of my not wanting to return to law school. I was so profoundly devastated and could not bounce back from that because, in my mind, being an attorney in Atlanta and cheering for the Falcons were all intertwined. It was a formula that I wanted to belong to my whole life. After all, it was on my Dream Board, so it was meant to be, right? I spiraled because I didn’t feel like I had a sense of belonging, but that was my emotional reasoning. 

     But, the truth is, I do belong. I created my own home. Everything I needed to do was already within me and with me. I now have my own Black family, and in our house, my son will experience everything I saw in Atlanta in our home. My son will experience Blackness as power, joy, strength, and truth, recognizing the hidden presence of God in life’s mysteries. 

     The spirit of truth took me on this journey to help me find my way. When I look at my Dream Board today, I’m so thankful for the opportunities, losses, and paths it took me to see my truth and know I belong. Everything happens for a reason, and that is His plan. Any accomplishments I gain or lose do not define me. 

     Only His grace and love do.