Full-circle moments occur frequently, and I enjoy examining the synchronicities and underlying lessons that arise from them.

Recently, a long-time client of mine shared a profound and life-changing decision he had made several years ago, before his arrest. It was such a simple choice, but one that he carried with him as a reminder that he is not a bad person despite the missteps of his past.

His story inspired me to write Bad Choices Don’t Make You a Bad Person, a compassionate and reflective take on how we can move from shame to self-understanding:

His Story

Three days before his home was raided, my client noticed a wreath in the road that was supposed to be in the graveyard on his way to the post office. He thought to himself, ‘If that’s on the road on my way back, I’m going to put it back on the gravesite.’

It was, and he did.

A year later, his choice to do that act of kindness still moves him. One evening during a group session, the question was asked, “What is the most significant thing that has happened in your life that changed you?”

My client spoke up and shared the story of the wreath. He added that he thinks putting it back was a reminder to himself that he is a good person.

He sobbed as he shared that his past choices had ruined all that his family had worked for, but revealed that what he had lost had made him a different and better man.

He explained that, in many ways, he has been transformed, as if it were a death of his former self. 

As my grandmother has written in her bible, Body of dead.

We all make mistakes. We’ve all made decisions we regret—words we wish we could take back, actions we wish we could undo, moments we wish we could rewrite.

But here’s something I want you to hear clearly and hold tightly:

Bad choices do not make you a bad person.

 

As a therapist, I see people burdened by shame every single day. Not because they’ve done something unforgivable, but because somewhere along the way, they started believing that their worst moment defines them. That a bad decision equals a bad identity.

Let’s talk about why that’s not true.

We Are Not Our Mistakes

Humans are complex. You are not the sum total of your worst choices. You are your intentions, your capacity to grow, your willingness to reflect, and your ability to choose differently going forward.

Mistakes are part of being human, not a sign of failure, but a part of learning.

If we judged a child’s worth by every wrong answer or misstep, we’d never allow them to grow. So why do we treat ourselves so harshly?

Why We Sometimes Make Bad Choices

People make poor decisions for all kinds of reasons:

• Survival instincts or fear
• Past trauma or unhealed wounds
• Lack of tools or emotional regulation
• Trying to please others or avoid conflict
• Feeling trapped, hopeless, or overwhelmed

These aren’t excuses—but they are context. And context helps us understand ourselves with compassion instead of condemnation.

Growth Comes from Ownership, Not Self-Punishment.

Accountability isn’t about beating yourself up. It’s about saying:
“Yes, I did that. And now I want to understand why—and how I can grow.”

You can own your actions without assigning yourself a life sentence of guilt.

You can make amends without believing you’re unlovable.

You can forgive yourself and still take responsibility.

That’s what real healing often looks like.

A New Way to Talk to Yourself

The next time you catch yourself spiraling into self-criticism, try saying:

• “That wasn’t my best choice—and I’m learning from it.”
• “This is a hard moment, but it’s not the whole story.”
• “I deserve grace and growth, not punishment.”

 

Because the truth is: Your mistakes are part of your journey, not the end of it.

Final Thought

Bad choices can teach us. They can humble us. They can redirect us. But they do not define us.

You are allowed to learn.
You are allowed to outgrow who you used to be.
You are allowed to forgive yourself and move forward.

Let your story be one of redemption, not self-rejection.
Because you are so much more than your worst decision, and your future is still yours to write.

Journaling Prompt:

Think of a choice you’ve made that you still carry shame or regret about.

• What was going on for you at the time—emotionally, mentally, or circumstantially?

• What did that version of you need in that moment that they didn’t have?

• If you could speak to your past self with compassion today, what words of wisdom would you offer?

Now ask yourself:

What would it look like to carry this memory with understanding instead of shame?